121. I Wanted to Change My Husband… God Changed Me Instead

Marriage can feel like the first place pressure shows up when we start taking faith seriously. When I zoom out and remember marriage as God’s design from Genesis, a lot of the confusion clears: the fight is bigger than a bad week or an awkward disagreement. It’s also why “leave him” advice can sound tempting while quietly making everything worse.

I share what I’m learning in my church life groups and why Christian community changes the kind of counsel we give and receive. Then I get personal about the strain that can come with a later-in-life conversion, especially when your husband isn’t on the same spiritual path. If you’ve ever felt that pull to preach, correct, or pressure, I unpack a different way to show up: 1 Peter 3 as a steady anchor, respectful conduct as a living testimony, and a posture that honors your spouse while still loving Jesus out loud.

You’ll hear the four-part prayer rhythm I use to pray for my husband’s salvation without trying to control the outcome: surrendering him to God, asking for a softened heart, inviting God to put other believers in his path, and focusing on my own sanctification. I also walk through why praying Scripture like Proverbs 31 and Ephesians 5 gives real direction for Christian marriage, respect, and growth.

If this encourages you, subscribe, share it with a friend who’s carrying the same burden, and leave a review so more women can find it. What’s the hardest part for you right now: surrender, patience, or how you show up day to day?

www.seedsoflightoracle.com/ipw

Want to add a new passive income stream to your business that aligns with your values of health, family, and conscious wealth? Click here.

Connect with Danielle

Substack | YouTube | Website

-

To invite Danielle to be a guest on your podcast, fill out this form.

To apply to be a guest on this show, click here.

Transcript

Welcome And The Big Question

SPEAKER_00 0:40

Hello and welcome to another episode of the Counterculture Mama podcast. My name is Danielle Venables. I am your host. And today I wanted to talk about a topic that has been coming up a lot in the life groups that I'm a part of through my church. Um so I'm in a couple of life groups, and one of them is all women. And as you may or may not know, um I guess especially if you're part of the crowd that's kind of been in new age and isn't really a follower of Jesus, but essentially, um, marriage is something that God created, right? Like it is an institution between man and woman, two shall become one flesh, and it goes all the way back to Genesis 1, which is the first chapter, first chapter, I believe, of the Bible. It might be the second chapter, but regardless, it's very, very early on in the first book of the Bible, and um, you know, God creates Adam, and then he says it's not good for man to be alone, and then he goes on and creates all of these different creatures until finally he takes the rib or the side of Adam and turns it into a woman, and um that is where you know the first marriage actually happens, is in the Garden of Eden after the creation of Eve, they join together in marriage and the two become one flesh, and so because of that backstory with where marriage actually came from and why we get married, um it's also the number one thing that well, I would say I would say one of two things that get really heavily attacked by the enemy, by Satan, um, because it's something that God instituted. And when you sort of wrap your head around the fact that Satan's main purpose in his existence is to hurt God, um, it makes sense why he would come after the humans who are made in God's image and especially um come after them as children, um, and come after the marriages, right? If they can split the marriage, then God's design for marriage, God's covenant um that he institutes between him and the husband and the wife, all of a sudden, you know, he he's destroying something that God created, which is ultimately like his goal. Um, and so because of that, I mean, if we wonder why divorce rates are so high, it's because Satan is literally at work trying to dismantle um what God has joined together, right? Um, and that narrative makes perfect sense when you have that that full context. So coming back to my life group, like a lot of a lot of us, and I'm not an exception to that rule, have had various struggles and challenges and growing pains in our marriage, especially I find as these women are growing in their faith because like these life groups are so good for getting into the word, for encouraging one another biblically, and for really growing in our faith in a way that may or may not happen if you were just going to church or if you were just reading the Bible by yourself, right? Like there's a lot of growth that happens in community, and when you're in a community of like-minded believers, which is why the Bible emphasizes the importance of being plugged into the church so deeply, it's not actually a control thing, contrary to what I used to believe, um, but it really is like people who understand, people who share your worldview, right? And an example of this would be if somebody comes into our group chat with a marriage problem, even when the husband might be acting in a way that is less than ideal, that is not great, that is not righteous, um, we still, because we all carry the same biblical worldview, we still see marriage as essentially inseparable, right? And so the advice you're gonna get in a room like that is going to be towards reconciling, towards prayer, towards grace and forgiveness, um, as opposed to what I like to call the leave him culture um that you get in the world, right? Where you know you go to your bestie and you're like, oh, blah blah blah, and then your bestie comes back and is like, oh, he's such a piece of shit, and blah blah blah, you should just divorce him. Like, I got a divorce, and it's so freeing, and and blah, blah, blah, right? Like that that is the world compared to the word. And so being in a life group with a bunch of other women who submit themselves to the authority of Christ and who, you know, study scripture and also who believe in the redemptive power of God, and who also are in submission to God's timing for their life, right? Understanding that temporary suffering is a catalyst for growth, and that um, you know, each person's redemption story, each person coming back to Jesus is in their own time, and it's um it, you know, it's not something that we as wives can can influence just because we're a bit uncomfortable. Um, but being able to hold that tension and hold that in between without just running to the courthouse for a divorce, right? Um, is a major gift in these life groups. And so if you're part of a church, I would strongly encourage you to find a life group. Um, they might be called like small groups in some churches. Um, and if you're not part of a church and you're just like, oh, that sounds like pretty good, um, you can also reach out to me. I've got some connections for some online life groups that I could probably plug you into. Um, so feel free to reach out if you're like, yeah, I I think I think that's my next step. I think I'm ready for that. Um, but anyway, one of the topics that often comes up because the enemy attacks our marriages so much, and um especially the closer you move to God, um, the more the enemy is gonna try to take take you out, right? Present you with challenges, make it harder. Um, I often found like while there was this deep um almost restlessness and like not quite feeling satisfied when I was in the new age, I also wasn't being messed with, like I wasn't being attacked and tried to be trying to be taken down because I was doing the devil's work. And he is completely happy to let you live your life if you're not pointing people to Jesus, if you're not, you know, you yourself running towards Jesus. Um, that's really where he starts to say, oh wait, I'm losing control over this person. And so I need to do something to try to discourage them from the path that they're on, you know, derail them from their prayer and their Bible, or make them question God and his goodness by attacking their marriage or attacking their children or their family unit. Um, and that is a common thing, and I will say, like, it's not all the time, and sometimes it's in very small ways, like anxiety and things like that. Um, sometimes it's like an increase in fighting. Um, you know, if they can't get you because you're, you know, covered by the blood of Jesus, then, you know, they'll go after your unbelieving spouse too, which is very common in like later in life conversion stories like my own, where I was not a Christian when my husband and I met. I was actually very like unspiritual at all. It was like I I thought there was some higher power, and I didn't really care what it was, and then I went through new age, and um then I I came to Jesus. And so my husband has loved a lot of different versions of myself, and the the conversion to Christianity was very um jarring in a lot of ways, partly because I wasn't sure what was happening, and so I was trying to like figure it out in secret so I would have answers when he would ask me questions, um, but also just because some of my fundamental morals and values and um worldviews really shifted as I started to read the Bible and uncover more truth. And so it's something that a lot of couples have to navigate, and it's something that um has been coming up like in in my life groups as well. And the reason for this podcast episode is really to share with you how I have been praying for my husband, because a common thing that I'm seeing with these later in life conversions is like, you know, you'll be saved and your husband won't be, and you're like, man, like I just I really wish. And so, you know, whether you try to evangelize or whether it's just like some of the the things that he says or the jokes that he makes, or you know, whatever, like things start to kind of bother you. You're like, oh, that's so like uh, you know, as you start to get sanctified, like some of these things that used to just be normal or accepted, um start to feel kind of icky, and um so that can lead to like some some issues there too. And so what I want to do in this episode, it's gonna be a pretty short one, but I just wanna like talk about how I approach prayer for my husband. Um, and I'm not I'm not gonna, you know, sit here and share some radical salvation testimony um with you because I'm still in prayer, and that's okay, and I am completely okay with where he's at in his journey, and um, you know, I respect him, I respect his beliefs, I um respect his his journey first and foremost. Um, but I just kind of want to share how I approach this as a wife, um, in hopes that it helps some of you that might be stuck in that like in-between or that, you know, wishing that he would come to Jesus or um whatever. Um because I I I I struggled with a lot of this for a long time too. And I think I've finally found a method or an approach to prayer that just feels good. It just feels like, you know, I I am praying honestly, I am praying, you know, that's between me and God. It's not anything to do with trying to change my husband. Um, and so I've really found a way to kind of let go of like an attachment to outcome or a wish that my husband would change or anything like that. Um, because that's not that's not respectful, right? And my priority first and foremost is keeping my marriage intact, even if we're walking on slightly different spiritual paths. Um so the advice that I gave this morning, and as I like wrote it out in point format, I just wanted to um share it. So, first I'm gonna go into um scripture that really has spoken to me. Um, and that is 1 Peter 3, verses 1 and 2. It says, likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be one without a word by the conduct of their wives when they see your respectful and pure conduct. So that's something that I really like. I I found that one early on, and I've really kind of like sat with it, read it like multiple, multiple times. Um at times that has caused me to put pressure on myself of like, am I showing up good enough to win him over and stuff? And I really had to like work through a lot of that. Um, but that was like really the the passage that started to speak to me, that started to make me reflect on like, okay, how am I showing up in the marriage? Like, I don't need to evangelize to this man. I don't need like he knows the journey that I'm on, and I'm gonna sit there in the morning and have my coffee and read my Bible, and he respects that. And he the rest of it, like, he's just seeing it through my own transformation, right? He's seeing it through the ways that I've been sanctified, the ways that I'm showing up differently, responding differently. Um, and that's gonna like speak for itself, right? That's like a living testimony, and whether or not that ever draws him in is like completely in his hands and in God's hands. Um, but it really puts things into like a perspective of I just need to show up and live the life that Christ modeled for me and um detach from the rest of it, right? It's not about trying to force him to read the Bible with me, force him to pray with me, uh, talk to him about about my beliefs and like shove them down his throat, right? Like, it's not about that at all. Like, I'm gonna live my faith out loud, but I'm also not going to push that on him or make him feel like he's not a worthy husband unless he submits to the same things that I submit to, right? Like, that's not how to be a godly loving wife. Um it's very normal to feel that way, and it's very normal to worry about your husband's salvation because you love him so much, and of course, you want to know that when he dies, you'll be in heaven together. Um and there's some other things I could say about that that I'm not gonna get into as far as like whether relationships exist in heaven and stuff, but um, at the end of the day, like on the human side of this experience, it's like you really just want to know that the people you love most are gonna be in heaven with you. Um, and as a Christian, it's not lost on you like what that eternal torment will be if they don't, and it's devastating to try to like wrap your head around, right? But that does not justify trying to like beat someone over the head with a Bible uh to force them to come to faith, right? Like it's it's their journey, and that's personal between them and God, and that foundational understanding like has to be understood. And so when I pray for my husband, I do four things. Number one, I surrender him and his salvation over to the Lord. So every morning when I pray, sometimes sometimes multiple times, but at least every morning when I pray, um, I will lift my husband up to the Lord. I will surrender him and his salvation over to God and just say, like, let your let your will be done. Like, I'm I'm handing this over to you. This is bigger than anything that I can do, and so I'm asking you to to move in his heart and to move in his life. Number two, I'm praying that God softens his heart and draws him closer. Again, that's something that only God can do. And if he uses my conduct, like 1 Peter 3 says, then so be it. Like if that if that's one of the factors that softens his heart, then great. But that's not my responsibility. My responsibility is answering to God for how I show up in my marriage, how I treat my husband, and how I show him Christ's love. Um, number three, that God places other people in his path that share the gospel with him. Um, so again, that is, you know, putting it in the hands of God. That is um acknowledging and humbling, like I think more than anything, you know, I'm not I'm not telling God how to do it, but what I'm doing is I'm saying, like, it doesn't have to come from me, right? And I know that God has the power to work through other people and put other people in his path that you know can also model to him what it's like to be a godly man or um to dispel some of the like myths or beliefs about what Christianity is or how it impacts, you know, your life, and whether it's like a control system like I used to believe, or whether it's genuinely something that um sets people free. And so God has the power to put somebody in his life that demonstrates the freedom that you can have in Christ when you hand your life over to him. And so, again, that's just me like surrendering control, surrendering control. That is a common theme for me. I'm always surrendering control because that is the number one thing that I cling to when I feel like things are out of control. I just want to take the wheel again. So um, that's number three. Number four is praying for my ongoing sanctification and helping me be the best, most Christ-like wife I can be. This one is the one thing that I can control. So I I hand it all over to God. I'm like, this is yours, you know, you draw him close, you soften his heart, his salvation is in your hands. This is your will, this is your timing, let your will be done. Um, and then I um start to pray about what I can control, and that is how do I show up as a wife? And so I will often um, you know, pray obviously for my ongoing sanctification, that I can be a good wife and a patient mother, and um, you know, that people can see Christ in me, especially my family, and you know, especially my husband. And I also pray scripture for myself. Um, and so I'll often reference Proverbs 31 and Ephesians 5. So I'll just quickly read these to you. Um, because these are intentions, like it again, it gives you like a target to shoot for, right? And it's not, I'm gonna shoot for this so that he gets saved. Uh, because that's still controlling, right? That's still gripping. But what it is is I am going to pray this over myself because this is the woman that I genuinely want to be. This is this would make my life better. This would obviously positively impact the people around me, but um, you know, I want to be like this because God's word demonstrates this as what a godly woman looks like. So, uh, Proverbs 31. We're gonna start in verse 10. It says, An excellent wife who can find. She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not harm all the days of her life. She seeks wool and flax and works with willing hands. She is like the ships of the merchant, she brings her food from afar. She rises while it is yet night, and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens. She considers a field and buys it. With the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard. She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong. She perceives that her merchandise is profitable, her lamp does not go out at night. She puts her hands to the dyst distaff, and her hands hold the spindle. She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy. She is not afraid of snow. For her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet. She makes bed coverings for herself, her clothing is fine linen and purple. Her husband is known to the gates, and when he sits among the elders of the land, she makes linen garments and sells them, she delivers sashes to the merchant, strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and t the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed, her husband also, and he praises her. Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all. Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her the fruit of her hands, and let her work praise her in the gates. So that's one that I um, you know, review a lot, um, just because that is like what I aspire to be. And so when I'm in prayer, I pray that God helps me to become that woman and He sanctifies me. into um that woman. Now the second one is in Ephesians five. These are two of my favorite um favorite scriptures as a woman and as a wife. Um sorry. So this is overall like about marriage, but I pray the wife part over myself. Um start in verse twenty two it says Wives submit yourselves to your own husbands as to the Lord for the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ it also so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. It goes on to say Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, such as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife and the two shall become one flesh. This is quoting Genesis. This mystery is profound and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself and let the wife see that she respects her husband. So submission and respect are two of the themes there and I used to think like when I would hear that verse out of context I would think like wow we're just really suppressing women here. Hey um but when you read the full passage in context you know it talks about men literally giving up their lives for their wives. And so the whole point of that isn't to be used and abused to suppress women it really is like a faithful submission to your husband as the head of your household and it is holding him in high regard and really respecting him. So making an effort to not tear him down making an effort to hold your criticisms and to really speak life into all of the good that he does bring and he does contribute um and following his lead not trying to bulldoze over him or um you know show him that you don't trust his leadership like it is his role to guide and protect you and the more that men step into that um the more honestly a marriage can flourish and it requires women to um step out of the way and fall into the role of being his helper and his supporter and like championing him unapologetically as opposed to trying to override or outcompete or outlead or diminish his role as the head of the household. And so those are the scriptures like I just pray that I can be a submissive wife who follows his lead and honors him and loves him and respects him and you know shows him the the love and adoration for all the sacrifices that he makes for our family because he does and you know there have maybe been seasons in my marriage maybe in your marriage where we maybe don't see all of the sacrifices that they make all of the burdens that they carry but when you start when your heart starts to shift and this isn't even something that you can necessarily do right like this is something that the Lord does um through the Holy Spirit but when that starts to shift when your heart starts to shift and you start to see the ways that your husband shows up it is so much easier to speak life into him it is so much easier to submit to him because you you see the way that he already leads and when you do submit to him and you do respect him and you do build him up with your words and your thoughts and your affections um it really then builds on itself right and they start to show up with more confidence and it just it builds and it grows from there and it's like this beautifully restorative thing. But what it requires is for us as wives to really sit with those those scriptures and say okay like where am I doing this well? Where am I not doing this so well? And Lord please help me to do this better which is why I choose scripture to pray over myself to help me be a better wife because it's not by my own strength it's by the strength of my savior that I am able to really grow and evolve. And I know this for a fact because if you don't know my testimony or you don't know my history like really what started to bring me back to Jesus was my marriage. I was struggling I was reading all the books I was doing all the things I was you know masculine feminine energy and like all this stuff that New Age was teaching trying to restore my marriage to what I knew it could be because we had such a good marriage and we were just in this rough patch that seemed to just be enduring forever and uh it was really painful. And that's really when I first heard about like biblical submission and stuff like that, it was like the right time the right place in my life where I was willing to try anything and that is what started to restore it just that mindset shift and you know finding godly mentorship in marriage and how they approach it and what submission actually looks like and um you know not neglecting the second part of that passage which is all about men loving their wives well and laying their lives down for it for them right like when I realized the beautiful like harmony that exists in God's design for marriage um it was like a light bulb went off and right away within a week there was improvement. And you know it's not to say that we never fight it's not to say that marriage is perfect. It's not to say that just because you're a Christian you're immune like I said the enemy loves to attack marriages but what it does mean is that we are on an upward trajectory and we are in a place where um you know even when we do fight or disagree or whatever we're able to see it for what it is and we're able to come back together and repair that much faster. And most importantly when I share with you you know that my prayer focuses on surrendering him to God and then focusing on myself and surrendering like my own sanctification to God but asking God like sanctify me sanctify me help me be better help me be more submissive help me be more respectful because I don't have the strength to do that all on my own. And that's the kind of dependence on God that really does start to shift things and change things for the better. So all of that to say that is a little bit about how I pray for my husband in this in-between of you know praying for his salvation of course but not taking it all upon myself because it is his timing it is God's timing and they are working together um in exactly the timing that God has laid out for him. And in the meantime my prayer time is of course to go to war for my husband but also to um to surrender that so that I'm not carrying that like forceful overpowering energy into our marriage and I am just embodying what Christ wants me to be as a wife. So I hope that was helpful. I'm sorry if you hear the little guitar player in the background he decided to make music during this podcast but I will catch you in the next episode. Bye for now