Counter Culture Mama Podcast with Danielle Venables
The Counter Culture Mama Podcast is for women who refuse to conform. Hosted by Danielle Venables, this show is a raw, real-time look into what it means to raise a family, nurture a marriage, and build a business that honors your values in a world that’s lost its way.
Here, we talk about faith, family, freedom, and the new kind of motherhood emerging — one rooted in conviction, simplicity, and strength. Expect honest conversations, unfiltered reflections, and countercultural truths about womanhood, leadership, motherhood, marriage, and purpose.
Whether you’re navigating business from home, raising kids to think critically, or redefining what “having it all” really means, this podcast will challenge, ground, and remind you that you’re not alone in walking the narrow path.
Keywords: Christian motherhood, countercultural parenting, values-based business, faith-driven moms, motherhood podcast, marriage and motherhood, truth-based living, family freedom, biblical womanhood, entrepreneur mom podcast
Counter Culture Mama Podcast with Danielle Venables
108. When Being Too Self-Aware Becomes Self-Abandonment: Finding Balance in Relationships
Have you ever found yourself so busy analyzing your own patterns and emotional responses that you've forgotten to actually ask for what you need? That's what I call "the curse of the self-aware woman" – and it might be silently eroding your relationships.
While self-awareness is undeniably valuable, there's a dangerous tipping point where accountability becomes self-abandonment. Many women pride themselves on doing their inner work, understanding their triggers, and taking responsibility for their emotional responses. Yet this same awareness can become a trap when it convinces you to shoulder the entire burden of relationship dynamics. You start dismissing your legitimate needs as "just your abandonment wound talking" or "your trauma being triggered," rather than honoring them as valid desires deserving expression.
This episode explores the delicate balance between owning your patterns and advocating for yourself. I share practical examples of how to communicate needs without falling into mothering energy (like the shelf-building scenario that transforms demanding into expressing desire), and why vulnerability – not control – is the pathway to healthier relationships. Whether you're struggling with romantic partnerships, friendships, or family dynamics, you'll discover how to maintain your self-awareness without sacrificing your right to feel supported. Ready to break free from the self-awareness curse? This conversation might just change how you approach every relationship in your life.
Want to add a new passive income stream to your business that aligns with your values of health, family, and conscious wealth? Click here.
Connect with Danielle
-
To invite Danielle to be a guest on your podcast, fill out this form.
To apply to be a guest on this show, click here.
Hello, hello, I wanted to come on today and talk about a theme that I feel, like a lot of women, a lot of people, but especially women, sort of a burden that we carry, or you know, when we cultivate that degree of self-awareness and accountability. Um, it's something that I've seen among clients, among friends, and it's a theme that's been popping up recently as well. Um, so it felt timely to talk about this, um on this live today. So, if you are catching the replay, hashtag replay. If you're catching me live, say hello and I'm just going to kind of dive into it. So I guess I'll start with what is self-awareness? Now, most of you who are self-aware will already know what self-awareness is, just by default. But self-awareness is where you are aware of your own emotions, your inner workings, your trauma, your patterns. It's like you can see things clearly, you can see the way that these things play out in your life, and so when you're interacting with the world, interacting in relationships, things like that, you're, instead of projecting onto the person, you're able to really see what it's bringing up in you and understand, sort of, where that's coming from. And with self-awareness, typically, we see a higher level of self-accountability as well, right when it's like okay, I'm aware of this pattern, or I'm aware of this trauma, or I'm aware of the emotional stuff that's coming up to me or for me. So, instead of pushing that onto the other person, I'm going to sit with that, I'm going to work through it. Um, you know, it's associated with emotional intelligence of of being able to check yourself before you just spew onto other people and, um, you know, end up creating more conflict and discord in your life. So with self-awareness there is a pitfall and you would think, okay, self-awareness, it's great. Um, self-accountability, emotional intelligence, all that stuff is fantastic, right, but when we take it too far and when we are so self-aware and I'm guilty of this, like, I'm speaking from experience, I'm also speaking from seeing it in other people, but I'm definitely speaking from experience here it's like, when we're so self-accountable and so self-aware, it's easy to all of a sudden stop advocating for ourselves or to start to. You know, every time something comes up, it's oh, what work do I have to do on myself? How do I have to, like, push through this or navigate through this? Right, and like everything, things are great in moderation. Self-awareness is great in moderation.
Speaker 1:Um, it is important to be able to acknowledge your patterns, your habits, your emotional home, your baseline, right? But it's also really important to not let that be something that lets everybody else off the hook to the point that they're not showing up for you, right? So the easiest example that I can think of to explain this and to ground it for you is in relationships, right, like if you're married or you have a serious long-term partner, where are you taking all of the accountability? So, if you get into a fight, or if you're feeling resentment or you're feeling unsupported or you're feeling whatever, right? Of course there are going to be things. Our relationships are the best mirrors to bring up relational patterns from childhood, suppressed trauma that we're carrying, stuff we're carrying from past relationships fears, insecurities, right Like. Our relationships will bring all of those things up. That's why they're one of the most potent tools for healing. But it's also with that awareness it's important to not just dismiss it all or take accountability for it all and never actually give voice to the things that we need to feel supported, right Like.
Speaker 1:It's one thing to feel triggered, if something triggers you to feel unloved or unsupported or like you don't matter in somebody's life. Um, yes, there's a degree of that. That's probably your own relational patterning more often than not, right. But when you're taking a hundred percent of the of the accountability for that and you're not then moving to get those needs met in a productive way, right, then you're actually doing yourself a disservice and you're self-sacrificing. You're using your self-awareness to put all of the blame and responsibility on yourself instead of moving forward in a relationship that can be supportive for you, that can allow you to flourish and grow and have your needs met right.
Speaker 1:And it's a fine line, right, because we don't want to fall into codependency, where we're relying on somebody else to meet all of our needs, and the self-aware person knows that, and that's sort of their fear is like, oh, I don't want to be codependent or I need to take accountability for myself and and you know what is this bringing up in me and all of that but it's important to hold the balance of, yes, but this person's in my life to support me, to, you know, balance me out, to help me be the best version of myself as well, and I need to be resourced in order to also be a good partner for them, right? So it's not just about like moving through your own shit Like yes, that's one layer, that's one degree, and if something is coming up for you in a relationship, that's always the first thing that I'll encourage somebody to do is to look at, okay, what's coming up for me and get clear on that and understand that. Then I like to go, usually to an outside source. Of course, this depends on, like, how safe and nonjudgmental your friends are, how self-aware your friends are and how focused they are on not only your well-being but the well-being of the relationship that you're choosing to be in, right? But that's where I'll check myself. So I'll reach out to a trusted friend and I will talk about what's coming up for me, I'll talk about the situation, I'll talk about what's coming up for me and through that process it's not even going to them for advice, right, it's just having somebody to hold space so that I can get clear on exactly what is mine, what is my stuff, that that I'm feeling and and is coming up for me, versus what actually needs to be addressed in a productive way within my relationship, and so that's just my process.
Speaker 1:I mean, you don't have to necessarily talk to people. You can do journaling, you can talk it out in a voice note to yourself, but it's having some sort of tool to like, process and sort through the pieces of what's coming up, instead of what a lot of us do with that self-awareness is oh, that's my relational trauma from childhood. Oh, that's me projecting from my experience with my abusive ex, me projecting from my experience with my abusive ex, or you know, like we start to take full ownership of a dynamic that takes two people right. Like the reality is there are two people in a relationship and so you don't want to be on the side of the spectrum where you are putting everything on the other person and blaming them and not taking accountability for your side of the street and whatever. Right, like that is like the worst thing you can do.
Speaker 1:But the second worst thing you can do is place it all on yourself and say, oh, I'll just deal with it, I'll just do it myself. This is my wounding, this is my whatever. I just need to get over it, I just need to move past it at the expense of getting your needs met Right. So once you've gone through okay, what is mine, what is coming up for me, what you know, what experiences are shaping my experience right now, then you can move into. What am I needing from this relationship that I'm not getting? And sometimes the answer to that is something you can resource for yourself.
Speaker 1:But the reality is if every single thing in a relationship like if you're taking such a degree of responsibility for everything that happens inside of your relationship that you're not willing to ask or express a desire or work on shifting the dynamic within your relationship to be healthier and more supportive and safer for you, then you're doing yourself a disservice. That's a form of abandonment. So you know, I'm loving seeing this shift into self-awareness. I'm loving seeing people take accountability for the things that they bring to the relationship and acknowledging where they might be projecting or where their wounding may be playing out. I think that's a beautiful thing, but it needs to come with a word of caution of it's not only you right. Like if a partner is consistently engaging in behaviors that are making, that are bringing things up in you.
Speaker 1:It's not only up to you to do the work, because the reality is there are two imperfect people in this relationship. It's not about one person having done all the work and being a finished project and and then the other person having to, like, just work on themselves until they can accept that person exactly how they are right, like, of course. Acceptance is a thing I truly believe that you get with somebody because you've accepted who they are flaws and all right. But it's not about just like seeing it as like, oh, I'm the flawed one, I'm the one that has to do the work, I'm the one that whatever, and the other person just gets off scot-free. Right, and the way that you approach this in a relationship is not conflict. It is not telling somebody that they're doing something wrong. It is not coming at them and saying, oh, my needs aren't being met in this way and that way and somehow turning that into a criticism towards them.
Speaker 1:Right, even sometimes, the conventional way that we're taught to communicate our needs is actually really dysfunctional and contributes to the erosion of the relational dynamic as opposed to the expansion of it. And what I mean by that is like we can think that we're saying something, but really what we're implying is something else. Right, the way that somebody else is going to take it is going to be like, the way that our partner is going to take it is going to be a. The way that our partner is going to take it is going to be, um, a subtle criticism. It's going to be taken as you do a lot, but you still don't do enough, and subconsciously that's going to signal to them well, I can't make her happy. Every. There's nothing I do is enough to make her happy, and then that'll trigger their stuff, right Of I'm not enough, I don't do enough, I'm not good enough, like all of those things, right.
Speaker 1:So it's important to also develop tools and skills to communicate these things in a way that isn't signaling to the other person that they're not good enough either, right, um, but it's coming from a place of expressing a desire and being okay with expressing that desire, and so I was talking with a friend last night about this, and one of the examples that I gave her is like, okay, like cool, there's a way to express that desire. That is like I need you to build me this shelf by next week. That is an order, that is something that is like I am assigning a task to you and I'm giving you a deadline, and it's like a very like mothering energy right, it's not an intimate partnership energy where you're like encouraging him to take accountability for his side of things and, you know, be a leader and step up and build the shelf on his own timeline, right, timeline, right. So the way to shift, that is to come at it from a place of I would like to, you know, reorganize this room and place things onto this shelf, like sometime next week, and I would love for that shelf to be built, or even even not even saying that last part, but, like, I would love to use this shelf next week to, you know, do X, y, z. And that's just expressing what would make you happy and where you're at.
Speaker 1:And it's not assigning something to him specifically, it's not telling him that he has a deadline and if he doesn't meet that expectation, then he's failing you, right, it's expressing a desire that you have a plan to do something on a timeline so that he can rise to meet you there. And it's a very subtle shift, like even as I'm explaining this, I'm like I hope this is landing, because it's a very subtle shift between assigning something and mothering and telling, which is like, basically on an unconscious level, right, it's communicating I have this expectation of you and so if you do it, you meet my standard and if you don't do it, you fall short of my standard, like that's really what's being communicated underneath that. But when you shift that to, I would love to do something with this shelf next week, that is entirely staying on your own paper. It's staying on your own side of the street. It is saying. It is expressing to him that I have plans for this. I would love to be able to do this, but it has nothing to do with him, right? And so that gives him the opportunity, in a non-confrontational way, in a way that doesn't feel exhausting and uninspired, to then rise up to the occasion and say, okay, cool, she has a plan for that shelf, let me build that this weekend. And you don't have to tell him when and you don't have to ask him to do it a hundred times. You just trust that he's going to show up as a partner because that's who he is. Right, you didn't, you didn't marry someone who was like completely useless, and so that's just like one example.
Speaker 1:Obviously, there's like a million ways that this can be playing out in a relationship dynamic, but that's just like one way that you can start to express your desires without feeling like you're momming or nagging or begging or forcing right. You can just express that desire and that energy, that frequency, again comes from a place of not just saying, oh well, he never does anything for me and he never shows up, so that must be mirroring something to me or my expectations are too high, or blah, blah, blah. Right like that, that over compensation of self-awareness and self-accountability. It's like, yeah, that might be your desire to control the timeline on which he builds the shelf. That might be some of your wounding. That might be a lack of trust in the masculine showing up for you or providing for you. That might be a lack of trust in your relationship that he never follows through on what he says he's going to do. And, yes, that absolutely can be highlighting that. But the same thing can be true that or at the same time, it can be true that maybe there's a way to express that desire and be vulnerable, and this is really what it comes down to.
Speaker 1:Our desire to control is a lack of vulnerability. It's easier to boss, it's easier to command, it's easier to even manipulate than it is to just express a vulnerable desire that we have for our own lives. Because that rejection, if that doesn't happen, the disappointment is higher, as opposed to engaging in the confrontational dynamic that is eroding the trust in your relationship and that is, you know, still not getting your needs met, but at least it's less vulnerable, it's more just like I'm just going to tell you what I need you to do and you're going to do it, and or you're not going to do it, and then it's going to, you know, shape the way that I see you because you don't show up for me, and right Like it's. Like this whole, this whole thing that starts to erode your relationship. When you just express a desire with no attachment, things start to shift and our men respond differently to us. I will tell you this like for a fact. I have, I have done it. I have seen the difference.
Speaker 1:Um and so, to bring it all back, this curse of the self-aware woman that I'm talking about here is taking so much accountability, being so hard on yourself that you're not willing to ask for the things that you need, you're not willing to express your desires anymore. You're just, you're shoving down, you're suppressing, you're blaming yourself because, oh, it's this pattern coming up or it's that pattern coming up, as opposed to holding that balance or that harmony within your relationship of, yes, I've got shit that comes up and I need to be aware of that. I need to see that. I need to check that before I go, unload on my partner or project something onto my partner. But I also deserve to feel supported. I also deserve to have my needs and desires met, and so how can I look at the whole picture and learn the tools to express that in a way that is supportive to your relationship, that is supportive to your life, that allows you to feel supported and safe in your relationship or anywhere else in your life? Right, like it's not just relationships. It's just really easy to see that dynamic playing out in relationships.
Speaker 1:But that's my invitation to you is to not be so self-aware that you're self-abandoning in the process. And for some of you who are like chronic overthinkers like I can be, sometimes that's going to be kind of uncomfortable and you're going to be like, oh my God, now I have to overthink. If I'm like am I being self-aware or am I self-abandoning? And blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, don't let your mind go there, just lean into a little bit of discomfort, right? It's like, do your self-awareness process suss out like, where is this coming from? Why is it coming up like this? What's the belief underneath it?
Speaker 1:But then, after you've done that, then take a step back and say, okay, well, what do I need from this? And is it something I want to source myself, or is it something I can express to my partner that I, after you've done that, then take a step back and say, okay, well, what do I need from this? And is it something I want to source myself, or is it something I can express to my partner that I would love to be supported in? You know, do I need more hugs? Do I need, you know, a kiss when he walks in the door? Do I need a shelf to be?
Speaker 1:Um, but like it's really like what it's like cultivating that self-awareness and then what I'm gonna do about it and taking accountability for not only shouldering everything yourself, in fact, taking accountability for not shouldering everything yourself and instead choosing to take a step into vulnerability, and not with the expectation, not with the bossing, not with the commanding or the manipulation, just literally from a place of what would feel supportive right now. And is that something that I'm willing to get vulnerable and express and give him an opportunity to show up for it and knowing, as an independent woman, that you will be okay, even if that need doesn't get met by somebody else. But just by the practice of expressing needs and desires, things will start to shift for you. So that's what I've got for you today. If this landed, please let me know down in the comments and I will chat with you another day.